Unbreakable

I was raised in a cult.

It's often hard to explain. How do you fully explain teachings like this:

"I was raised in a cult."

Sometimes it's hard to actually say these words out loud without also trying to lessen their extremity with a disclaimer of some kind: 

"I didn't really have it that bad, especially compared to some."

"My older siblings were more affected than I was."

"My parents had good intentions, and we didn't follow all of the guidelines that strictly."

All of these things are true. 

But none of them change the fact that I was raised in a cult, and that experience has had a profound impact on who I am now.  

I was reminded of this last week while (confession time!) binge-watching the newest season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Yes, it's just a silly show. But sometimes, silly things can hold hold a mirror up to reveal what's true, and humor can be just a thin veil for reality. Truth is truth, no matter who says it, or how.

For those unfamiliar, the premise of the show is that Kimmy Schmidt and three other women were held hostage in an underground bunker by a "Reverend" who tells them (among other made-up, cultish nonsense) that the apocalypse has come and they are the only remaining survivors. He also tells them that they're "GARBAGE!" which is a whole other topic for another time.

The bulk of the series tells the story of Kimmy attempting to reintegrate into the above-ground world and undo the damage done by her captor. Admittedly, it's hard to pitch this as a comedy, but trust me - it's hilarious. And, full disclosure, sometimes inappropriate.

But more than just being funny, it also rings true. In each season, there have been a few scenes or lines that have cut pointedly to my heart about my own experience, both past and present.

In this third season, the scene that did it for me occurs when Kimmy shares a kiss with new love interest Perry (Daveed Diggs, for all you Hamilton fans...Lafayeeeeette!). Perry then reveals to her through the course of conversation that he is going to divinity school to become a reverend. Upon hearing the word "reverend," Kimmy's entire demeanor changes - she freaks out, shoves him down, throws a trash can at him, and runs away shouting, "Get away from me...I don't ever want to see you again!" 

The whole scene is intended to be humorous, but honestly, it has brought me to tears more than once. 

Her immediate, fight-or-flight, external reaction mirrors the struggle I often feel internally in churches, and especially around pastors. Because of the damage done through my upbringing, and even as an adult through some legitimately hurtful church-related experiences, I approach churches and church leaders like an abused animal. Cautious. Leery. Waiting for the moment when it all falls apart and the wolf in sheep's clothing reveals its fangs. 

I'm always trying to see through the methods, the tactics. The emotional ploys and the tools of manipulation to lead people to the point they want to make. It's why every sermon, every book, every devotional, every article, even every casual discussion by or with a pastor-figure is dissected, compared, and analyzed to death by my brain before I'm willing to consider accepting it.

But this seemingly inconsequential scene in a silly TV show honestly convicted me. What if I'm seeing through to motivations that aren't actually there? What if, like Perry, some pastors are just trying to do their best, in over-simplified terms, to make the world a better place? 

I don't think I will ever get to the point of completely laying aside all my analysis and critical thinking about what is taught by pastors, nor do I think I should. But, can I cut some of them some slack sometimes instead of reaching for the nearest figurative trash can to throw at them? Can I stay at the table despite my gut reaction to run away shouting, "Get away from me!"

Maybe.

Like Kimmy, I'm still learning how to cope properly with the world outside of the bunker. Things that are normal for most people are sometimes new and scary for me. Like Kimmy's response to the word "reverend," my alarm bells start ringing wildly when I hear church people use words or phrases like "should" and "submit" and "hedge of protection" and "root of bitterness."

But I can tell that my heart is softening a little bit, and while it will always be a struggle to completely trust, I'm more willing now to accept that maybe pastors and other "church people" aren't all out to get us.


Just beware of flying trash cans while I'm in the process. 

 *If you are a pastor or work in a church, or are a spouse, child, or otherwise close to such a person - please know that none of my statements are meant as a slight to you or your motivations. This is 100% about the state of my own heart and how God is redeeming what is in my past to accomplish a new thing in my life.