Square One

Back to basics, folks.

That's where I'm trying to live these days, in my head. Recently, I experienced what felt like scales falling off my eyes unexpectedly. 

Definitions.

Having grown up in the church and taken Biblical Doctrines classes in college, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what certain words mean. Basic words. Words I've had defined for me probably hundreds of times. 

Words like "grace."

Did you know that the organization I was raised in defined grace as "the desire and power to do God's will?" Did you also know that this is a totally bogus and not even kinda close to true definition of that word? 

I'm sure on some level that I did know that. But it just recently dawned on me. Have you heard people use the word "wrecked" a lot recently? Or "destroyed?" Like, "oh man, this song just destroys me." I have, and to be honest it's always annoyed me a little, since most things that a lot of people do a lot of all at once tend to annoy me. 

But friends, I've been wrecked by this recently. Almost non-stop thoughts about the revelation that God's grace is unmerited favor, not based on any "desire" or "power" that I have- actually, not based on anything related to me. Unmerited! Favor!

It destroys me. Breaks me down to humility, which I think is where I've needed to be for a long time. And let me be clear, friends- when I say it's broken me, I don't mean in a way that's guilty and demeaning. I'm referring to that realization of how utterly good God is, and how the way I feel about Him or myself on any given day doesn't really matter, because His grace will still be there. 

This one mind-exploding realization has ripple-effected into almost every aspect of my thinking in the last few weeks. Almost every thought is a new discovery of a lie I've been believing, or a truth that can change me. Sometimes the lie has to do with something I was actually taught, sometimes it has to do with mentalities I somehow picked up somewhere along the way.

In the last week, the definition that's been breaking me down is that of the word "awesome." Did you know that when I was growing up and people in youth group were singing "Our God is an Awesome God," that certain members of my family scoffed at how superficial the song was? Like the word "awesome" was reserved for hippies or people who obviously weren't really serious about God...otherwise they'd sing hymns, where the meat really is.

Recently in church, they've been singing a worship song that literally says "My God is awesome. Awesome. Awesome." You can guess what my initial reaction to the song was. "Wow, what a totally shallow song." Granted, it's not the most well-written or theologically loaded song ever written, that much is sure. But folks, I realized that the word "awesome" was not coined in the last several decades or even in the last few centuries. It's as much a Biblical word as "redemption" or "sanctification" or "omnipotent" or any of those other lofty-sounding words that I actually do like to use. It's not a word that hippies made up in the 70's. 

And what's more, it doesn't just mean, "God's pretty cool."

To stand in awe of. To be awed. To honor, respect. To cause astonishment. To inspire reverence or godly fear. Etc, etc. That deep enough?

Anyway, I should bring this to a close. I don't have any magical words of conclusion, just the knowledge that I'll probably be muddling through this for a while.

And I'm okay with that.